just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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