If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
