I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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