I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize