who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
