wakey wakey hands off snakey
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
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