He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Randomize
