You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize