Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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