so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
