Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize