I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
