You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
