I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
