Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
