You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
