I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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