Actions speak louder than pants.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
