yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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