the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
