so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
