And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize