I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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