I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
