come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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