Just mADE A PArabola og urine
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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