her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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