It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
