i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
