I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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