I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Randomize
