I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
