plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
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