dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
