she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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