Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
All I want is dick and wine.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
