Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Randomize
