Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
