Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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