If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Randomize
