I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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