If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
