Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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