It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
So squirting runs in the family.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I think weed is turning my hair brown
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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