I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Randomize
