i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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