So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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