Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
