New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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