You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
