I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
