I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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