he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
