I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
