We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
