i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
