i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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