Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
