A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Your penis caused this!
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize