wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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