Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
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