theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
