Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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