I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
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