Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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