I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Randomize
