1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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