Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
